The Love of God
Jun 8, 2021, 11:07 AM
June 6, 2021 @ 10:00am:
I gave up on living a worldly life just under a year ago. I wasnt happy with my life back then, but i went through the motions just like everyone else. After a near death experience shortly after the pandemic started, i was hurled headlong into a depression so bad i thought i was finally going to have the courage to end my life.
The devil exploited my moment of weakness and fed into my sadness, feeding me suicidal thoughts and songs to meditate on. It bothered me that i had come so close to death and yet escaped unscathed, and instead of thanking God for a second chance at life, i dragged my body closer to the pit of death that disguised itself as an escape (i thought).
This was one of many near death experiences that nearly took my life this year, but this was by far the most serious and shook me right to the core. Finally the Lord had my attention, but i didnt realise it just yet. It was a collective effort by many demons to get me into a chokehold that i wouldnt resist because usually i would be resilient about something like this, but my strength was sapped and my emotions flooded by the darkness in my heart. Upon searching the darkness for any speck of light, the Lord exposed a huge and debilitating vulnerability in me. When i looked closer, i saw that this single flaw had grown and shoved the rest of the pieces of my life out of place like plates shifting and displacing each other. This flaw jutted out from among the rest like an iceberg in the ocean and i knew it needed to be seriously addressed.
The problem was this flaw disguised itself as my lifelong desire that I’d nurtured and idolized since childhood. When Christ shone His light on it, it was an ugly nightmare and the stumbling block that triggered my downfall, plunging me straight into the darkness. I thought having a partner by my side would spare me from the pain i would face in life and give me something worth living for, but it wasnt. And no, this isnt your typical love story.
Ive always wanted someone to spend every breath of my life with, and though my partner and i had many red flags, i tried to make it work knowing it was like forcing a square peg into a round hole. Ive never understood why this desire has been so deeply rooted in me until recently. Reflecting on this, perhaps ive never understood it because ive always been so impatient and love was always like an avalanche to me. I’d embrace it only to find it sweeping me downhill into a valley crushing all my bones. It was always painful, but i wrestled with love wanting to control it because it could make me feel amazing and i thrived on seeking out those highs.
I could never get enough of the pleasure and eventually i was so obsessed i was emotionally numb to the pain and the heartbreak so i could just get to the next high. On the best of days, my heart was like a flat stone skipping on the waters or like a flock of butterflies carried by the wind and nothing could contain me. Waking up wrapped in a soft cloud on a golden morning, you could spit in my coffee and id still be dreaming on that cloud with him. But sometimes, i found myself riding the sea indefinitly, chasing after his waves till i was lost alone somewhere in the middle. It had its ups and downs but it was the only thing to live for in my eyes. Like running faster than your legs can carry you and even if you fall and eat a faceful of gravel at least you lived. Everything else just couldnt compare. But this was my own golden statue crumbling to bits and blown away like chaff.
I wanted things to work for my own selfish reasons and when it wouldnt, i couldnt get advice. People would just tape over my mouth or tear me limb from limb. “You should get out more,” “You should see a therapist,” “Get some pills for that,” “Have a drink,” “Take a hit,” “Let’s get high.” “Forget the world.” “Nobody cares about you anyways.” It was so cold and i knew even my partner and i were coming to this same destination. And in that moment reflecting on this matter, i was at a complete loss. This worlds “love” is nothing like the love Christ has for us.
I was looking for ways to escape myself and ease this pain of loneliness. I couldnt fall asleep without satisfying my lust. I couldnt fall asleep without crashing face first into a pillow after crying my eyes out for hours every night missing something that doesnt even exist in this world but i didnt know that. I searched for anything that felt good. Life around me was so pointless and meaningless i had no pleasure in the physical, in the financial, in the emotional, in the social. Ive felt numb before and desperately searched for something, ANYTHING to keep me alive. But all that would flood my mind were thoughts of guilt and regret leaving me with fistfuls of tears feeling so insignificant. Without Christ, I was consumed by this darkness and Id find myself in a massive empty bed after breakup after breakup, after my partner would crash on me. And i dont know why i always had more strength; how i could just pick myself up off the floor and carry on, but without success, even this got harder and harder.
When I found Christ, I painfully stumbled into his arms like the prodigal son but it was so soothing like finding an old friend again, and i leaned gently on him like my lover and melted in his warm embrace. Life was crippling but He lead me so gently out of my chains. I wanted to introduce my partner to Christ so we could strengthen our relationship as one together, but this was repulsive to him. After many years of forcing and gluing all the broken fragments back together, it was over. He left and was never coming back. And I fumbled around in my own shame, till I was spent.
When God started to reveal himself to me, He showed me it was time to let my partner go, and instead of sadness, I was amazed when played out exactly as He’d shown me in a dream. It was as if the Lord floated under me on His own cloud and carried me away with Him that i barely even noticed the transition. It was seamless and breathtaking. Id never experienced anything like His compassion and forgiveness. I didnt understand the impact of my actions but in that moment i asked Jesus into my heart and decided to give the rest of my life to him.
Months later, id turned my life around and given all i had to everyone i could find around me. The things id gathered for myself and the skills, including habits, dreams, jobs and friends; everything my life had to offer, I just opened my hands and said, “God, use this for your own will.” I started giving everything away. I started pursuing His desire for my life and not my own. And i recieved grace upon grace. Ive felt myself reach new heights emotionally and spiritually. Listening to His voice when it makes sense and asking Him when it doesnt. Ive learned everything is for Him to test the hearts and minds of man.
At times i felt the spiritual distance and discovered new depths to His love and faithfulness to me. Hes taken me from glory to glory. And ive had my ups and downs. But now its been months and even after learning we need to be on our guards against spiritual attacks at ALL times, lately ive come under a new attack and it caught me completely offguard like a wave intent on capsizing a ship.
I wasnt expecting this at all but it’s when we’re most effective that the devil tries to take us down. This wave has been piling in since days ago but yesterday it hit me the hardest. I looked outside to bright sunny, blue skies. I saw my neighbours had their patio packed with friends that gloated about their lives all night long. Across the street, whole driveways and yards bustled about with chatty people, and in the back, a large family gathered and everyone was out enjoying the sun. But i saw it shaking leaves off the trees. There was a strong wind blowing that nobody seemed to notice.
People seem too busy with plans for glass balcony installations, yard work and their own home renovations. Theyre buying new cars and designer pets to walk around and show off to the world, putting on that emotional mask like their life is better than the rest. One job doesnt work out, theyll find another. People are out talking about the vaccine like its candy now, and i cant believe what im witnessing. I cant bear to step outside the confines of my house because of this worldly fakeness. Its sickness and i cant believe nobody sees it. The Lord has not given me a fear of the unknown but rather a desire to escape from this hell and tell the world about your real life in Jesus. He is where it all begins.
And yet i feel something so urgent, imminent that will put all our lives in danger, but i feel it’s not time just yet. And im struggling today, why i feel in my spirit like a grenade pin just got pulled or a bomb just clicked and detonated, and we’re in that period of brief and deafening silence before the explosion and yet life looks COMPLETELY normal. It looks more normal now that the world is literally spinning sideways than it did a couple months ago. The world is not what we think it is. And yet everyone is acting like we’re recovering from whatever that was— whatever was happening a year ago, now we’re fine again. As was the days of Noah i guess.
I dont know how – in a moment of peace and safety and complacency, i cave for the first time since giving my life to Christ almost a year ago and bring myself to a new low. I cave in and i fall back into temptations ive been resisting and wrestling with for a while now. They are vicious beasts putting on a costume like theyre harmless little sins but they were held back with thick and heavy chains by my angels for a reason, and yet i said, “it’s ok,” and let my guard down.
DONT DO THIS EVER AGAIN.
This is devastating to me spiritually after days of immunity to spiritual attacks and deep intercession for anyone i could think of, i come to a point where i can’t even utter a prayer for myself. I am overwhelmed by these demons. I cant smile. I retreat into the darkness. I cant sit with people. I cant lift my voice to sing or speak or praise the Lord. This is crippling. I collapse on the floor day after day out of sickness and defeat without the strength to go on. Suffocating myself in tears. Sobbing. Making a mess of my hair in the mucous im spitting on the floor just to be able to clutch myself tighter and feel something again. Restricted breathing. Falling through the floor. My spirit screaming out of emotional agony. Feeling like my head is being stepped on under satans foot and theres no strength left to stop him. And now i know why i was obsessed with the betrayal story of Christ and Judas lately. One has lifted his heel against me. Thank you Lord. There’s nothing we will go through that you didn’t already overcome. Praise God.
His foot tried to crush my head. I felt the pain but it felt like my head was made out of metal, like i had a spiritual barrier and his foot had only mortal strength it could not penetrate. It was impossible no matter how hard he wanted to kill me and defeat me right there. I had no human strength left to fight back, I let him win over me, but Christ wasnt giving up on me.
My powerful enemies surrounded me without reason, like David sings. Enemies without number and those i thought were close to me, plot against me. I sunk and spiraled and drifted till i felt undesirable even to my God. Till i felt worthless like i ruined everything i risked to this point. Till i felt like i was past the point of forgiving. Why would God forgive me now? I gave everything for him, and learned, and found, and saw His face, and yet i still forsook Him. Who am i to see the face of God and yet turn my back on him? How can i put my desires, and my thoughts, and wants, and hopes above His will for my life after I gave it to Him? How could i take it back? And i ask myself, who am i?
Who am i that i am so important to God that He rescues me from myself and gives me prophetic dreams; He gives me courage, strength, and boldness; He breathes life into me; and He gives me love and i have extra to give others? Who am i that satan needs to take me down so viciously? That i try to love the lost sheep and im hated for guiding them to forgiveness and the light of Christ? Who am i that i had to turn around so quickly in this pandemic and yet everybody still thinks this is normal? Everyday im feeling like this could be the end but they still resist the Lord’s hand. Who am i that i recieve spiritual gifting upon spiritual gifting and yet others dont even have preliminary knowledge? And then Satan brought me to a place where i felt unworthy to have any of these things. Who am i that you chose me out of the world? And God is crying for me, thinking, “How dare anyone make you feel unworthy. If I’ve chosen you, who cares what they think?”
When i fell on my face and finally exposed myself to the Father, I asked Him to help me understand how to get out of this mindset and the Holy Spirit reminded me I needed the fear of the Lord all over again. I asked for understanding of Gods magnitude and power again– for a grasp of His might, to remind me that what He thinks of me surpasses all others. And He showed me He loved me so much He sent Jesus to the cross and Jesus gave up his life for my sake. How dare satan try to get me to feel unworthy to recieve Gods forgiveness– THAT WAS THE REASON HE DIED FOR ME!
theres nowhere i can hide. God knows that. He knows my shortcomings, my failures and my flaws. He made me with imperfections and bound me to disobedience so He could have mercy on me and everyone else equally. That no one is above another. He loved us all the most.
With this realization, it magnifies Jesus’s sacrifice that much more because He had the strength through perfect love with the Father to overcome everything. Its not by my strength i did anything but by the Father’s strength in me we got this far. He gave me this beautiful body and family and amazing opportunities and experiences and dreams. He showed me my soul, my heaven bound body that is beyond understanding how beautiful it is. And to love others is His Gift. Its not about me but its about sharing this love and truth with the whole world even if they dont understand it yet. We need to try because its too great a loss for them and i know undoubtedly this is the truth. This is the point of living. Everyone needs to find this. No matter how hard it is, keep sharing the good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ with everyone. We need to find our Lord and return to Him again and again even if we feel like we’re too far gone and we’re slipping away.
Get yourself ready to spend eternity with Him. God allowing me to see a fraction of a glimpse of what He sees in me and what He’s prepared for us in heaven has already been inexplicably breathtaking. Everyone will meet their Maker at some point. We would all have had to face His wrath eventually because of our wickedness, but its amazing because by the blood of the Lamb that was slain for our sins, He sees past all that. He chooses to forget our sins and lets us into His kingdom by His grace through His Son and Servant Jesus Christ. The fact that He made a way for our sins to be forgiven and allows us so to be together with Him again in perfect love, not having to face His wrath is more than we have words to express our gratitude for.
I am nothing without my Lord. I am dust and will return to dust if He takes His breath of life from me. I ask and need His will to be done in me so He finds my works complete before death so I may be worthy to recieve the full reward. I must achieve victory through Christ in me. Thank you Lord, I already won the battle because of Christ in me! So let’s patiently endure together by the strength of His Spirit in us. We have the authority in His Name to trample and bind every wild beast as children of the Living God. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel is my God and WE are His people! We just need to grasp this. We are all precious to the Lord in His family.
He never leaves our presence. Don’t despise His Holy Spirit. Don’t despise or treat prophecy with contempt – even your own. I know we can doubt sometimes but dont! Go to the Secret Place and unravel strand by strand like a ball of yarn before the Lord. Let Him turn you into something magnificent with all sorts of intricate details and patterns. Embrace the Father’s love for you and if you haven’t gotten to the point of wanting to share that love with others, dig deeper. Let the Lord unfold you down to the core of your being. There is so much more to you than you could ever understand. Ask Him, He knows. Talk to Him as you would a friend. Ask Him to show you why you feel a certain way but if He asks you to change, know it’s for the better and don’t neglect His advice. You’ll find things out about yourself that only the two of you know.
This is the intimacy you must share with the Lord. He already knows these things are there. You cannot hide anything from Him. The Father’s arms are open and He knows no man is without sin. Surrender all you have and thank Him and immediately feel the pain disappear and a new, unrecognizable feeling of weightlessness as your chains break. Feel your soul float up to the heavens lighter than helium to join the stars.
Close your eyes, little one, and stretch out your wings to soar with the eagles. Take a breath and lift up your sword and shield of victory triumphantly! Embrace this. This is where you belong–in your angelic heavenly dwelling with the Father. Embrace your relationship with Him as His precious child. Take pride in your Father that He is greater than words can express. Wisdom will seem like foolishness to those that are perishing but this is not something i can deny. I know my God is true and it might take some time but there will come a time when even the fools will admit that He is worthy. Every eye will see and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord. Seek him while he may be found. The Father is calling you to repentance. You. Me. Everybody. Give up what you have. Sell to the poor. Then take up your cross and follow Him. Crucify yourself daily. Leave the sins at the foot of the cross. Wash yourself in the righteous, holy blood of the Lamb that was slain for your sake and rise up to your new life with Christ. Come to the Father a new creation today through humble repentance. Break down a little tear at a time. Expose yourself to the Lord. He will reveal himself to you. Discover the truth. Nothing in this world is worth holding onto more than Jesus.
N O T H I N G.
N O T H I N G.
From personal experience, you will not be disappointed or abandoned. You will not give it all up for the Lord and not find Him. But you must ask and trust Him, and lean not on your own understanding. Let go and watch His smile grow with tears of joy streaming down His cheeks as He transforms you completely, down to the very cell of your being. Open your ears and hear the multitudes in heaven celebrating your return, singing your name and praising God in the heavens. Arms are outstretched before you. Run to the Father! Run and dont look back.
Ill catch you. Ill carry you. Even if youre tired or weak, i am always strong. I will never leave you or forsake you. I will never abandon you. I will never betray you. I give to my own abundantly and there will be a further distinction between the righteous and the wicked. But the heavenly treasures are not what you think. Ask me to open your mind and seek what I prepare for you. Come to me, my loves and drink from the living waters. You will never thirst again. Dont doubt what i can do. I am limitless. Stop doubting and believe! Who the Son sets free is free indeed!
Amen and Amen.
“6 For love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
7 Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.”
Song of songs 8:6-7
“Greater love has no one than this: that he lay down his life for his friends.”
“For great is thy mercy toward me: and thou hast delivered my soul from the lowest hell.”
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”