I have you in My hand and in My heart
December 31, 2021 12:09 AM
Dec 30, 2021
Hello Brothers and Sisters in Christ. I normally don’t share testimonies, but I am really struggling right now and would be so very grateful for your prayers. I am feeling led to share this with you all…
It’s not an easy thing to admit to the world, that even though you know the Lord, even though you love the Lord, even though your faith is strong, you still waiver, still doubt, still struggle, still grieve, and still fall. I wanted to share my heart and am having hope that it might help someone out there to relate. I know I am not the only person in this world who goes through this back and forth rollercoaster ride. I just know I am ready to get off of it. My cross is that I suffer from self hatred, self-defilement and have no self-esteem. I also deal with bitter persecution, rejection and mocking from those I love and on top of all that, the enemy beats me up with reminders of having no self-worth, seeing no value in myself that the Lord could use. If it wasn’t for the grace of God, I would long be non-existent. To be truthful, I have begged him at times, times that were just too hard to bear, to take my life from me, always feeling/thinking it would be better to feel nothing at all than to feel the pain I feel in my heart sometimes. Why can’t you just snuff me out Lord? What a terrible thing to say to my Creator, to my King. It is ALL painful. Sometimes it feels like I’m mourning for a lost loved one. That’s how much my heart hurts sometimes. When I fall down into this pit, its truly my own doing, and it’s because I choose to lay down my faith and instead pick up and hold on to what the enemy whispers in my ear as its easier to believe that I am a failure who is doomed, than to believe I am a chosen vessel of the Most High. It takes me sometimes days to find joy once again and even then, the joy seems momentary; it never lasts very long. I live in a continuous state of ups and downs, depression, anxiety, and sadness and I know this is not the Lords will for me, nevertheless, I have truly grown weary. So many times, I have prayed that the Lord would not allow any of His Bride/Remnant to give up on the calling He has placed on their lives, but rather to give them the strength to just hold on a little longer as I know (I believe) deliverance is coming. But sometimes it’s truly, seemingly the most difficult thing to do…To hold on. I’ve come to understand from all of this that my faith, my trust in Jesus is not what it should be by now and as I poured my heart out to Him the other night, sharing how I feel like I’m so far behind others who seem to be so much further along in maturity, so much stronger in their relationship with Holy Spirit, so much further ahead in their faith, so much more advanced in the exam that is this walk, He spoke to me and gave me a word to share.. He asked me to share it because He said that many of His children need to hear it. It is a very reassuring word and I’m thankful. I’m grateful to Him, for He truly is the reason I haven’t given up. Actually, I don’t feel like I have a choice but to endure these sufferings and incredibly slow progress I am making. I’ve come to learn that my cross was meant for me and that I was destined to share in His suffering. Sometimes, my selfishness creeps in and I forget that my suffering is used for the good of others. He has told me, many times in the past, that our suffering is never and has never been in vain. That he uses our suffering for the good of others; even for the salvation of souls who might otherwise not have become a citizen of heaven. When He reminds me of this, it makes it easier to endure, but that motivation is not always on the forefront of one’s mind when your heart is breaking from being so hurt by someone who claims to love you. I always want to believe that these experiences make us stronger and I’m sure they do, but it doesn’t make it any easier to endure when in the very throws of the pain itself. He has asked me to completely trust in Him as to receiving instruction and direction for the next leg of my journey, for this season I’m in now, which has been a season of learning obedience (which I feel I have failed miserably) and clearly hearing His voice, is just about to come to an end. I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared or nervous about what’s ahead for me. I’ve shared with the Lord time and time again, that even in comparison to the constant suffering throughout my entire life, there has been nothing harder than learning to follow, trust and obey Him. I wish I knew why that was. I feel like I have a rebellious spirit in me; I know I am weak in my flesh, and I feel like this past 15 years, I have mastered nothing; that I haven’t matured or advanced the way I was hoping to by now. I feel so alone in this world. I feel completely disconnected to my family, even those left who still talk to me. I have lost touch with every friend I ever had because they no longer feel comfortable around me and even those in my life who I thought were close to the Lord, do not understand what I’m going through, nor do they care to try, instead they have shunned me and cast me out of their lives. But I know I am not alone. Even in what I suffer, I know that there are many others out there who are going through the same or similar situations and though I can very compassionately empathize with them, I am grateful to know I am not alone. I know I have a family, friends, brethren out there that are just like myself. Thank you to all of you and I hope you will pray for me. I pray for you each and every day, not just that the Lord provide all you need to run the race but also that He will never let you give up. NO MATTER WHAT!! NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS!! I very much appreciate having this site to share words from the Lord as well as the freedom to open my heart and lay it out before you all. It helps to get this off my chest. So, thank you for listening. I love you all my Brothers and Sisters. I have also shared a poem I recently wrote at the end of ABBA’s message as well.
Just a preamble to ABBA’s message…After many weeks of pressing in; digging deeper; nothing but me and the Lord, I was called to a situation that has temporarily brought me back into the world. A world of busyness, distractions, participation of worldly things that I no longer desire to do, and even a few uncomfortable conversations that have once again left me feeling persecuted, rejected, judged, and misunderstood for my choice to follow Jesus and not the ways of the world. I have also been asked by the Lord recently to donate all I have left of my possessions. I have not much left. What I do own fits comfortably in my 10 x 10 bedroom. I have to be gone from where I live by the end of January and the Lord has asked me to be ready to go and that I will be gone before the end of January. Where, I do not know. How, I do not know, Why, I do not know. Though My heart tells me to trust in Jesus and His words to me, I have the enemy telling me I am about to become homeless in -40 degree winter weather. It fills me with grief, worry and anxiety. The worst part is, there is not one person in my family I feel I can go to or share this with. Oh Lord, please strengthen my faith and take away my unbelief. Amen.
Here is the word from ABBA.
Dec 28, 2021
Daughter I AM in your corner. I AM right here. You do feel My presence. Every tear, every feeling of conviction is Me; My Spirit in you. Daughter, I AM for you. Never ever against you child. You are my precious jewel and though you don’t see the value of you, I do. I see a perfect child who I have reared up these many years. I have been your Father, your Teacher, your Counsellor, your Guidance, your Rock, your Deliverer, your Healer, your Shoulder, your Bridegroom. I AM your everything and I will never leave you; never ever. Do you understand? You are Mine and I AM yours and though you feel far from Me, I AM always close to you. This world and all it’s distractions, all it’s noise, all the goings’ on, keeps you preoccupied, keeps you busy with worldliness, and you lose sight of My closeness very easily. Daughter, you are not last in the class, not the bottom of the barrel, not first place, but you are not as bad off as you may think or feel. You are always willing to try, you are always sorry when you offend Me or anyone else, you are always wanting only My will, you more often than not, consider others before yourself. I will complete what I started. I AM God, who is perfect; therefore, I do not make anything into imperfection but when I take the clay, I mould it into what I see for it, and it becomes a perfect and beautiful masterpiece. This has been a good lesson for you; I know you have learned a lot about yourself these past few days. Life always gives the teachings we need to be able to learn from it. Take what was good from it and leave the bad behind, continuing to move forward. I know you are worried about what is ahead for you daughter and this month coming, all I will ask of you is: be ready to walk out that door. I know that letting go of your last few possessions (all you have left in this world) is scary, and that you fear being abandoned come month end. But I AM not a man that I can lie. I AM Alpha and Omega and there is no lie in Me; only truth; and I tell you the truth, the new leg of your fruit packed journey is about to begin. So, I ask you to rest in Me; trust in Me and see what I will do for you to move forward and step into the very calling I have placed on your life. Take this month (January) to really dig deep, press in like never before; pray, warfare, intercede, FAST and you will come to see, hear, and feel all I AM about to show you. Trust in your Papa for I have you in My hand and in My heart.
Ps. Please share this with my children for many need to hear it.
A Remnants Hope [Poem]
In the midst of the raging sea
He takes my hand and gently draws me up above the waves
The sinking feeling in my heart serenely fades
as my trust in Him rises up and takes its rightful place
The torment and agony within my soul rapidly subsiding
as I gaze upon my Maker, into His loving eyes
The One Who Can Do All Things, my Rock, my King
My Spirit now poised above the turmoil and chaos
I rebuke and send the devils fleeing
They scatter and scurry at His very name
To those I love, they move right on in
Mingling in the minds of the oblivious and unaware
Conveying thoughts and feelings of hatred upon unsuspecting souls
With a purposefully evil brush they paint scales of darkness
atop their eyes so that they cannot see
But they cannot hurt me
for I am safe and sound in My Fathers hands
Upon His palms I find solace and peace
I pray for those souls the enemy exploits
That they instantly be set free
Released from their deceitful grip
For I love them and call them friend
Oh, how I long for the evil one’s day to come to it’s fated end
Oh, how I long for My King to make the world all right again
Hidden in the suffering, swimming the daunting sea of our cross
Humble hearts moan in eagerness; with an earnest whisper
The Spirit and the Bride say COME!